Sweaty Denim Jumper Lady

Okay, okay. So this is a bit tacky to post this so close on tails of my recent lamentation, but I must.

Every town has its crazies. All neighborhoods have that single, questionably-sane man or woman who just doesn’t seem to understand the bounds of convention – and really doesn’t know, and probably wouldn’t care even if they did know. My tree-lined lane is home to one such person, whom I have dubbed Sweaty Denim Jumper Lady. Don’t shorten her name, either; it would be akin to leaving the tomato paste out of the spaghetti sauce.

Sweaty Denim Jumper Lady is… well, perspirationally gifted. I would be too if I pushed a partially loaded granny grocery cart – you know, the wire basket on wheels resembling a Kroger buggy yet reminiscent of a baby carriage – up and down the street all day. Unclean is not a word that applies here; her board-straight whitewashed hair is no dirtier than yours (let’s hope we made a good comparison here), and even has a certain bounce to it. She’s a Pantene gal, perhaps. Sweaty Denim Jumper Lady is no hobo, either; she appears to have a home just a few houses up the hill from mine. This speculation, however, is based merely on my observation that, while she spends a bit of time in many people’s yards uprooting small plants and collecting bottles and what appears to be flotsam for transport in the Sweaty Denim Jumper Lady Carriage LS, she spends the most time at her supposed home. It is the only place I have ever witnessed her unload anything, and it wasn’t apparent that it was in a spirit of discarding.

I had been pondering what she might do with the items she collects, and if it was a sufferance of my memory that I did not realize whether she often transports the same collection up and down the street or if the boards, bottles and plucked verdure were fresh for each sighting. Certainly, she could help my confusion by digging out an entire section of someone else’s shrubbery or ramming down saplings with her Sweaty Denim Jumper Lady Carriage LS – or even by allowing a simple glass bottle to break on the pavement. I have a keen eye peeled toward the idea that the cart’s contents may, in fact, not evolve at all.

Last weekend, I had two separate near run-ins with Sweaty Denim Jumper Lady. My first experience caused me to have to brake to avoid crushing her kneecaps with my front bumper. The city recycling truck was blocking both lanes, stopped due to Sweaty Denim Jumper Lady’s apparent demand for something that the workers wished to take away from her. Seemingly, she had been caught swiping a mound of cans and bottles from a blue recycling container, just as the truck made its approach from around the nearby corner. She is not without her scruples, and must have some education in politics; aware that I was waiting for this debacle to conclude, she quickly made an argument unheard by my ears that impressed the workmen enough to leave her alone. Had she promised to smother each one in turn into her perspiring bosom? Cage one between her slick thighs and the other under her shimmering arm? Whatever it was, it worked – all four of us were released to go about our business.

The second involvement was intentional on my part. Having been dared by my brother to snap a picture of her, I could not resist doing so on the day I arrived home from work to find her standing on the sidewalk in front of my house, trying to entice a loose dog over to her for petting (or putting in the Sweaty Denim Jumper Lady Carriage LS). I could not quite hear what she was promising the thirsty canine, but it eventually approached her with reticence as I tore inside to grab my digital camera. I expected to return to the same picture, in hopes of getting to hear what words her clear, even-toned, middle-aged voice conveyed. She was gone. I ran to the corner, camera in hand, only to find that she was meandering up the gentle hill of asphalt, away from me. Not wanting to be caught paparazzi-style as she bent over to pick up a stick in the driveway just up from mine, I sprinted around to the other side of the house and quickly snapped the picture you have before you.

I give you Sweaty Denim Jumper Lady – in fashionable lime green. You can count on an update on this fascinating neighborhood character.